This Part is The Hardest!

This bit is scary! After living 16 years since my diagnosis with breast cancer I was finally in a place where I wasn’t scared of every ache and pain, every slightly abnormal symptom and I had finally found the new me. I even said it on the bi line of my book Thanks For The Mammaries, ‘I had cancer but it never had me.’ Well, it got me again and at the moment it has a strong hold on me.

I can honestly say when they told me I had Leukaemia, I wasn’t scared. I think I had made my peace with the fact that I would one day again be diagnosed with cancer at some point, so it didn’t really sink in to begin with. It wasn’t until all control was taken away and I had to leave my girls and start the fight that it became real. This fight has been brutal! It has been relentless and at times I have seriously thought that I wasn’t strong enough to keep going. I didn’t have it in me to fight anymore, then I would look at Bob and think of my girls and I knew I had to keep going, as Bob says, I just needed to take one day at a time.

Now I am at the end of what I call ‘Big’ treatment I’m on struggle street. Yes, it is nice not to have to line up for another intravenous chemotherapy, but I’m too scared to let the wall down and allow myself to celebrate this. This week I am lining up for a bone marrow biopsy. Something that I describe as having a corkscrew put into my hip bone to see if there is any change in my bone marrow. I’m too frightened to say this should be my last one out loud, because what if it’s not? I am petrified to get the results back because if there is a change I go back into ‘Big’ treatment. I want the past 18 months of hell to be worth it. On top of this I am having the port removed from my chest. All of these things signal the end. I should be shouting “I did it!” to the rooftops, but I’m crapping my dacks!

I want nothing more than to return to normal, but what is normal? Nothing is normal in my life anymore. I have to continue to take one day at a time and can’t really organise to do anything too far in advance because my body may not allow me to do it, and if I can’t that just causes more disappointment.  If I do plan something I need to plan the days leading up to it to the minute. I need to rest, make sure I lay down and take a nap, not forgetting to mention put my feet up so my legs don’t swell and the kankles appear which cause me pain. If I don’t let my body to charge up on the battery, my stomach starts, I spend the day on the loo and I can’t physically function.

The biggest thing that I hate is letting my girls down. I can’t tell you how many tears I have shed over the fact I can’t attend a basketball game, I can’t go shopping with them as I can’t last long on my feet or I’m simply that worn out I can’t hold a conversation.

It’s been a real wake up call that my body isn’t bouncing back like it did last time. The realisation that they really have had to come close to killing me to make me come back has hit me like a brick to the head.

I’m the cancer chick again. I had finally stepped out of that space and now all people ask me about is ‘how I am, how’s your health?’ I know they mean well, but I would love them to speak to me like I’m just Kate Gale, not Kate Gale the chick with cancer. I want to be the bright and bubbly Kate Gale again, not the Kate Gale who hates looking at herself and the extra 30kgs she’s gained, not the Kate Gale who is carrying so much guilt for putting her family and friends through yet another f*&%ing cancer fight. I don’t want to live in fear of it happening again, and I want to be able to be normal, have energy and enjoy living. I’m sick of being disappointed, feeling like I’ve let others down and having to plan my days just to get through to bed time and not crying myself to sleep because I’m exhausted.

So, heads up to you all, this final hurdle I need to jump over is scaring the shit out of me! I’ve gone into hiding a little, trying to give my girls the mum they deserve, help out around the house as much as I can without burning the candle at both ends and be the friend I want to be to you all. I just ask that you go gently with me, if you don’t know what to say, just hug me and don’t panic if I burst into tears. I’m just navigating my way through the darkness of the unknown and allowing myself to feel, accept and forgive what has happened and what is to come.

Kate x