Thursday, I had to go and have a scan on my liver. Nothing too important, just so they can keep an eye on things and make sure we have a base line to begin with. It was very relaxing … it was just an ultrasound but the lady doing it had the most beautiful calming voice and she kept asking me to “breathe in … hold and breathe out” It was like a mediation session.
When I was waiting in a huge, sterile holding room waiting for my wheelchair pusher person (I had a lime green wheelchair with an UBER sticker on it) I was listening to another lady having a procedure. She was telling the doctors how to do their job and I was starting to get a little annoyed. It seemed like she was a frequent flyer and was just there for shits and giggles. Now, I know I’m not the sickest person in the world right now, but shit … I wanted to go and tell this lady to shut the f/$& up!
However, what came next, I wasn’t ready for and I didn't see coming. I couldn’t see what was happening to her, but I could only imagine that there was a needle involved by the shriek that came out of her next, followed by the screaming of obscenities towards the doctors and nurses even curled my toes! She was told “don’t move!” then she continued her barrage of abuse towards them and told them to back the fire truck away from her!
I called out “it’s ok! Just stay still and do what they need you to do. Breathe! Before you know it, it will be over. You can do this!”
I felt better that I tried to help someone and give them just a little bit of strength, but she was not listening … to anyone! She picked up her stuff and scuttled off with her arse hanging out the back of her white hospital gown. I tried! If she had of channelled all that energy she put into screaming, swearing and crying and just calmed down … her procedure would have been done. No procedure is nice and some of them can be very painful, but what’s the point in abusing others?
This got me thinking. I need to start listening to my inner self. It’s going to get rough. It’s not going to be pleasant, and at times it’s going to hurt … but I can do this. The hospital staff are here to help me. They are here to save me, and I need to stop allowing some of them to fill me with dread. I am always going to hear things I don’t want to hear, if I was told only good things then I wouldn’t be scared would I. I need to harness the fear and turn this negative mindset around that creeps in and just yell like my bare arsed friend in radiology did! I can run or I can face it … I’m Kate fucking Gale … I’m not running!
Friday was D Day, my first round of chemotherapy. I put on a brave face all day as I just wanted to get things moving and done, however at the end of the day I came a little unstuck. I sent Bob home to be with the girls, he had organised for my brother-in-law and sister-in-law to be here with me. I also managed to tell them to go as I was ok. Thankfully my sister Ali was here, and she caught me in a big way! My blood pressure plummeted, I felt like I was going to pass out and the pain that found it’s way into my body was at times excruciating. Ali was getting cold face washers, fanning me down with the Woman’s Weekly with King Charles on the cover and wiped my tears when they escaped down my face. She stayed with me until I drifted off to sleep. I don’t know what I needed on Friday, I needed to start and get going but I didn’t realise I needed my big sister as much as I did. The next day she returned with a fan that she had called Camilla. She was fanning me down the night before with Charles so was making things easier for herself with a Camilla … plus it’s full of air!
Saturday and Sunday have gone by like a big fat blur. I have been riding the wave of chemo fog in and out of consciousness. I have slept, slept, and slept some more. I have cried I have laughed, and I have hugged my babies, my husband, and my bestie Tracey hard. I felt terrible when the girls were just sitting there watching me sleep, and I had a massive pang of the guilts that we were here again and it’s because of me. Trace didn’t think twice and jumped on the bed with me and held me whilst I sobbed. I am so bloody lucky to have the friends that I do! From hugging me, daily messages, making sure our girls are ok and buying me BIG Bombay bloomer undies to keep my kidney’s warm … it’s all so appreciated more than you can imagine. That’s what I am most proud of out little family having, a tribe surrounding us that always has our backs.
So, here we are day 3 post chemo, and I can see the light. I stayed awake most of this morning and got to see my Mum, Dad and sister Sandy, and it wouldn’t be a hospital visit without my dad having a snooze with me! I have eaten today which is a big plus and the bloods are doing everything they should be. I have started the massive doses of steroids again, so keep an eye out for the chin wars … it continues!
Tomorrow, I hope to have an even better day as Wednesday I will need to go for another lumbar puncture, and I am just getting rid of the headache from the first one. I got to go and soak up some vitamin D on the balcony for 5 minutes this morning with Bob, which was nice, so that’s my goal for tomorrow … perhaps I will be able to get 10 minutes? Every little step the last few days is a plus and I am making sure to take them for what they are and enjoy them.
I’m still Dreaming Big