I’m Fine!
Don’t we all say this? Someone asks you how you are doing. Doesn’t matter if you are great, feeling shit or if you are really struggling, we all still answer, “I’m fine!”
I have a rule with my girls if I ask how they are and they reply with “I’m fine” I know that is not true. I keep prodding until they tell me how they are really doing. I don’t accept “I’m fine'' as an answer. I should abide by my own rules.
Just this morning I wish I had opened my mouth and set someone straight. I know right, unlike me not to speak my mind! However, I was bought up to respect my elders and not speak nasty to anyone. I am now regretting being polite.
I was told this morning by a family member that my face was really fat and swollen and that I have a dyke haircut! I choked down the tears and I just laughed along with them. Why? Because like I said I was bought up to be polite especially to my elders but that one hurt. Those words cut deep.
The one thing I have really struggled with over the course of this shit sandwich is the way I look. I’ve always taken pride in the way I present myself and having my head swell to gigantic proportions and losing my hair was tough. I did not ask for this, nobody going through a cancer diagnosis does, but it is another pile of shit thrown in
my direction that I just have to suck up because I can’t change it!
Sorry family member that I had to have huge doses of steroids to help me fight and make me better. I’m sorry that caused my face to swell. Sorry I had to shave my head for the second time because the intense chemo I have had was making it fall out. I chose to shave it to try and take some sort of control over the situation, but having short hair wasn’t my choice. Can I just add and point out that if you are bald, when it grows back, you just have to deal with what you get. You have to go through the stages of growth and you don’t necessarily like some of those stages or the style … but it’s hair. Again, you do not have a choice! I also find it super offensive that you called it a dyke hairstyle because I have many friends who are gay and how dare you insult them and me for having short hair! You actually have short hair; you choose to have that short hairstyle … guess what?! I don’t have a choice!
I barely have a photo of me over the past 9 months or have refused to have photos taken because I hate the way I look. I have actually been incredibly grateful that I need to wear a mask everywhere because it hides half of my face. My moon face that I have gained from the medications I have needed to have a chance at beating this bastard. I’m actually embarrassed of the way I look; I truly hate looking at myself in the mirror. I’m sick of hearing “you can deal with the weight once you have finished treatment.” I know this is true but it is just another pile of shit I need to tackle. I hate that my choices have been taken away from me.
I am nearly there. This week I have my last kick arse chemo. Even when I type this it doesn’t feel real. It’s a weird feeling. I have been here before and I remember marking off the days on the calendar. This time around though, it’s different. Leukaemia is a sneaky cancer that can rear its ugly head at any time. This round may be nearing the finish, but this fight isn’t over. It never will be. It’s not as simple as having my last chemo. It’s not like turning the tap off, wiping my hands and walking away.
I still need treatment for another two years at least. I do not get to walk away and say I’m done. Another choice that I don’t get. Hospitals, tests, treatment and fear are something I still need to deal with on a daily basis. I would love to flick a switch and say that I’m done. I’ve done the hard yards, so now when I wake up tomorrow, my face won’t be fat anymore, I will have my long red hair again, all of my clothes will once again fit, I will have energy and the fear of having to do this all again will be non-existent. But I know that is just a dream.
So, to my family member who decided to make fun of me this morning a big F$@* you! I don’t have a choice, I haven’t and still don’t have a choice in any of this. What I do get is a choice in is how I deal with things. I choose to get out of bed every morning and although I may feel like absoloute shit, I still get up have a shower, get dressed and put a smile on my face and if anyone asks, I say, “I’m fine.” I choose to be kind, which is the complete opposite of what you showed this morning. All you did was show the ugliness within you and how you have no idea! So even though I lie when I say “I’m fine” at least I’m choosing to be a nice person. I still have that choice!
Moral to this blog, Be kind. Watch your words, because you never know what someone is going through. We all have choices but some of us actually don’t. Try putting yourself in their position … I bet you can’t, because if you haven’t lived it … you have no clue! I may have 20 chins but that's better than having two faces ... you choose!