I am so proud of my girls! They have both had to deal with a lot in their short lives, but they continue to show such tenacity and strength well beyond their years. A little while ago my eldest Bree came to me with a blog she had written about dealing with her crippling anxiety and asked to share it with the world, in the hope of helping someone else. Recently my youngest Gemma has come to me with a blog asking to do the same.
I am a big advocate on writing down your feelings to get them out, not always needing to publish them and share but to me writing is therapy and I find it helps. Luckily my daughters like to share their ups and downs and also like to make a difference, even if it is to one person and they are becoming beautiful writers. Something else I can be proud of them for!
So in Gemma's words, this blog is all about how she has felt about not fitting in and trying to find her place in the world. Gemma has worked incredibly hard at being a better person. It hasn't been easy at times, but she has taken advice on board and has become an amazing young lady with a zest for life that is to be admired. We are super proud of you GG and can not wait to see what you do with your future, we know it is going to be something big!
Every day is a challenge. Over the past 3 years, I’ve learnt that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea and I just need to be myself. I didn’t know who I was 12 months ago, and I was just trying to find the purpose of life. Every day I would question things and tell myself that I wasn’t enough, I didn’t believe that I deserved to be here.
The start of year 7 was the dream. I had the most beautiful people by my side as we started this new chapter of our lives. After about 8 months of being a teenager, living the perfect life, and knowing my place, I started questioning myself. My friends started running away and hiding from me, which left me alone at lunch and recess. I was continuously thinking have I done something wrong? Am I a good person? Why do I deserve this? This was when my mental health went downhill very fast. My only option was to be strong and leave that friendship group. I needed to find people who accept me for who am I. I was never going to let people bring me down and make me feel useless.
I had friends in my class, so I started hanging out with them a bit more and I felt like I had found a purpose again. This was at the start of COVID and trying to be friends with someone over a computer screen was really hard, but I opened my doors and let these guys come in. Letting my guard down though was a mistake. I heard things that I never wanted to hear. These girls I since found out intentionally set out to hurt me and see how far they could take it. Again, my mental health went downhill very fast. At this point, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I started questioning my actions and what I was doing. I told myself that I was a shit person who didn’t deserve friends. I spent so many days going to school, being by myself, then coming home and never leaving my room. I cried myself to sleep and didn’t want to be here anymore.
One day I was sitting on my bed, scrolling through my phone, and all of a sudden, I got a text. This person knew that I was struggling, and we started getting to know each other. We became very close very fast, which once again was a big mistake. I found myself speaking rudely, hurting this person and that wasn’t me and I turned into a person that no one wanted to be around. This friendship fell apart very quickly, and I was ashamed. Knowing how badly I treated someone with such disrespect was so disappointing. That is not who I am. I suppose I was trying not to get hurt again so I started doing the hurting first. That is not the person my parents spent 14 years bringing up. I was in a very dark place.
It was almost the end of the year and I found a new group of friends, but this time I was really scared. I needed to know that I could trust these people before letting them into my life. I took things slowly and eased in these friendships and things turned out ok. The summer holidays came, and I was feeling the best I had ever felt. Something just felt right about these guys. Over the summer break mum and I signed up to a gym, and this was the day that I knew I had to turn my life around. I lost a bit of weight and I felt good about myself. Basketball has been a big part of my life and I was about to start being a ref so I knew I had to get fit. That summer I had made amazing friends both at school and at the gym, and I felt like I was on the right path. I finally felt like I fit. I had made small changes for myself and things were falling into place.
Still to this day, I don’t know the real me, and it still feels like something is missing. Mum says she has the same feeling so I guess as I go through life I will find the right path for me. I have learnt that I am not everyone's cup of tea, but I choose to be happy and not allow some people and their negativity get to me. I take the high road and don't want drama. My mum has taught me that life is too short to worry about small stuff. Certain people have shown me what the purpose of life is and to just live each day as it comes. I have a few people who have taken me under their wing and I appreciate that more than words can ever express. I look up to these people and someday I know I will make them proud. The ladies at the gym are the most amazing people I have ever met. They have inspired me to be the best that I can be and I love them for that. The gym is my safe place. The other person is my golf coach Ange. She has shown me what it means to just be myself and keep being me.
Some people come into your life who make it a happier place ... just because!
I’m sitting here today, writing this to let people know that they are never alone. Life is hard! Life is going to throw huge curve balls at us, but we just need to keep going and never give up. You are worthy of so much and deserve so much happiness. Keep pushing through, and always remember, don't change who you are to fit in with others. Make your own path and just be you!